Good enough to get Ham Hands Goulash

As you may have noticed I disappeared again. Woops. I started a new job and in the hecticness of adjusting, I took a hiatus from cooking. But then this week, I realized this meant I'd dumped something fun I love and it was going to cause me to die at an early age from clogged arteries as well as develop ham hands. So I decided it was time to start cooking again.

So that's what I did. But I'm pretty sure I probably still failed at staving off clogged arteries and ham hands. See, it was cold and I wanted to make goulash. And when I make goulash I put a stick of butter in it, because if the noddles aren't buttery they just taste like paper. Woop-sy. Ham hand or no, it was really yummy, so I'm sharing the recipe with you. Enjoy.

Good enough to get Ham Hands Goulash


1 pound extra-broad egg noodles
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 stick butter, divided (you can use margarine for half of this, but DO NOT put margarine in your noodles. put butter. real butter. preferably smjor.)
2 Tbsp. fresh dill
20 chives chopped up
1 pound steak
1/2ish cup flour
1/2 small onion, peeled and chopped
4 to 5 garlic cloves, peeled and smashed
1 red bell pepper, chopped
2 teaspoons paprika
1 to 2 cups beef broth
1/2 cup sour cream

Take your steak and slice it against the grain as thin as you can manage. Pretend you're a butcher if it helps. Once it's cut up all nice and thin like a pro-butcher would cut it, season with some salt and freshly ground black pepper. Now dump it in a bowl. Dump the flour on top and toss to coat.

Now, boil some water. Once boiling, add some salt and the egg noodles, and cook until noodles have reached desired squishiness. Drain. Add 2-4 tablespoons of butter and the dill and chives to the pot, and stir to combine. Tell the noodles to sit in the pot until you're ready to deal with them.



While you're waiting on the noodles to get appropriately squishy, place a large skillet on the stove with 4 tablespoons of butter (you can use margarine here if you want). Add the floury steak to the skillet. Let it brown for a minute or so and then let the garlic, onion and pepper come visit their friend, steak, in the skillet. Cook a few more minutes.



Add in the beef stock and sour cream. Bring it all to a boil. Turn it down and let it simmer till the juicy stuff thickens up. When that happens it's done.


Spoon some noodles out on a plate. Glop some meaty-veggiey-saucy goodness on top. Sprinkle with some parmesean cheese if you like. Eat. Pat your tummy and say om nom nom.

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Omnomnomnom! Vampire Bite Cupcakes!

Ahh, we come to part two of Halloween party cupcakes. Yesterday it was Kodos and Kang. Today it's vampires! I'd like to start off this post with a disclaimer. These cupcakes have nothing to do with Twilight. Nothing. At all. And it can be verified. How? Because if they did, they'd look like this. But instead they look like this:



As you can see they are cool and not lame and sparkly and sexless. And what's even cooler about them is that they not only looked like they've been bitten into by a vampire, but they bleed when you bite into 'em. Thus, they are cool, not twilighty and totally worth making. So, how does one go about making these ultra cool vamp cakes? Like this.

First gather up: ingredients for your favourite cake; 1 can of vanilla, white chocolate or cream cheese frosting; 1 can of cherry pie filling; a small spoon and; a skewer.

Now prepare your favourite cake, in cupcake form, according to it's recipe / mix. Let cupcakes cool, unless you wanna burn your hands, and then by all means, trudge forward as soon as you pull those suckers out tha oven. Take your little spoon and hollow out a cavern in the cupcake.



Spoon in a nice dollop of the pie filling. If you want your cupcakes to really look like they are bleeding puree the pie filling first. But if you're like me and prefer to bite into a scrumptious cherry more than you prefer the visual effect of a bleeding cupcake, then don't bother with pureeing it.



Repeat this process with all your cupcakes. Once you have them all filled, freeze them. Yep, that's right, freeze 'em.



Why? Because if you don't then the pie filling is going to mix in with the frosting and you're just going to end up with a pink frosted cupcake. If you're going for a Twilight theme, you may want this. Otherwise, make sure you freeze them so the pie filling is a hard frozen clump that can't mix in with your frosting.

After your cupcakes are sufficiently frozen (I let mine go overnight, but I'm sure leaving them in the freezer that long isn't necessary) frost them. Nothing special here, just smear white frosting all over the top.

When you've got them frosted get a skewer and your pie filling. Dip the skewer in the pie filling then stab a hole in your cupcake.



Make sure you leave the hole visible. This makes it look more like a fang bite rather than just a red blob. Repeat this process for the 2nd fang mark. Now, redip your skewer in the pie filling. Streak a little extra filling down from the bite holes to make it look like the cake bled.



This should leave you with a final product that looks like this:




Sweet! Now you're ready to devour them like you're Louis and they're rats! Nomnomnom.

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Kodos and Kang Cupcakes!!

If you don't remember or don't know who Kodos and Kang are you fail at life. Kang and Kodos are 7 feet tall, continuously drooling, evil, tentacled, cycloptic aliens from the planet Rigel 7. More importantly, Kang and Kodos are Halloween staples. They show up in every Treehouse of Horror (i.e. Simpson's Halloween episode). Thus after 19 years of showing up at halloween I think they have earned status as a Halloween staple. As such, they deserve homage. And what better way than to pay homage to someone than to make a tray full of sugary, floury likenesses of them (Just ask L'il Wayne and Alec Balwdin's daughter).



So why not whip up a big ol batch of Kodos and Kang Cupcakes? Because you don't know how, you say? Pssht. Easy Peasy. Just look and listen.

First, here's a list of things you will need: ingredients for your favorite white or light colored cake; 1 can of vanilla, white chocolate or cream cheese frosting, approximately 8 full size green airheads, 1 tub of mini fruit slices, black decorator icing or squeezable chocolate candy filling.

Now you're ready to really do stuff. So put together the ingredients of your favourite white or light colored cake (no cake racism intended) or rock a cake mix. Before you start mixing it up add in 25 drops of neon green and 2 drops of neon blue food color. Mix it all up.


Pour into cupcake papers and bake according to recipe / package. When they're done pull 'em out and let them cool. When they're cool you're ready to start decorating. This is where it gets interesting. First, for optimum results turn on House of 1000 Corpses in the background.

Next, spoon out two or three big ol' clops of canned vanilla (or cream cheese) frosting. Add 15 drops of neon green and 1 drop of neon blue food coloring. Mix it all up. Slather it all over your cooled cupcakes. Then you're ready to start the hard work. Get out your airheads and cut them into little strips. If you're using full sized airheads you may want to cut them in half horizontally first.



Cutting airheads is a tricky endeavor. As you can see I am hardcore and used a razor blade (that's right, I keep 'em handy, so don't mess with me). If you have a good pair of kitchen shears that don't have e. coli all over them they'd probably work well, too. Your average steak knife, on the other hand, does not.

Once you get some airhead strips cut, it's time to turn them into tentacles. Curl them around and generally make them look tentacley. Remember tentacles curl and wrap around stuff. So, if you don't do anything with them Kodos and Kang will end up looking more like green spiders or Cthulhu with two off center mouths. You don't want that. Once you've got cool looking tentacles shaped out of the airhead strips insert four into each side of the cupcake. It's totally cool and perhaps even recommended to let some lay over others.

Now, Kodos and Kang need eyes because eyeless cyclopses are totally lame. Take one of those mini fruit slices, preferably in yellow or red and draw a pupil on it with your black icing or chocolate candy filling, like so:



Cool. Now you have an eye. Stick it in the middle and towards the front of your cupcake. And guess what, when you've done that, you have a complete Kodos or Kang.




Tada! Now that wasn't so hard, was it? Nope. And now you've got the coolest Halloween cupcakes of anyone you know. Guaranteed. Unless you're friends with this chick.

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Kat's Amazingly Awesome Apple Cider

Whoah-ho-hoah! It's two updates in two days! Try not to mess yourself with excitement.

And that, my friends, will be really hard to do given a. that It's Halloween week and I'm prepping all kinds of festive foods / drinks, so there might just be three or four posts in a row and b. the amazing awesomeness of this post. Yeah, no seriously it's epic.

How many times has someone promised to reveal "the Great Secret" that will bring you Wealth, Health, Power and Love? Ultimate Happiness? The key to wisdom and beauty and generally being a pimp? The answer to all of life's little questions?

Just wondering. 'Cause I'm not going be revealing any of that. But, I am going to be revealing the most amazing cider recipe ever, which, if used as directed, could have the effect of bringing you happiness, love and general pimpness.*

In keeping with my infomercial form, I'll continue. You know how most cider tastes like apple juice with pepper in it? And how it really isn't all that awesome but you drink it anyway because its Halloween and / or Thanksgiving and it's the festive thing to do? Well those days are over, kids, because, for just 3 easy payments of $19.99 (which I know you'll all be sending me asap), you'll recieve the secret to...

Kat's Amazingly Awesome Apple Cider.**

1 gallon of boring store bought apple cider
1/2 gallon of orange juice with pulp (the more pulp the better. And if you don't like pulp, then stop reading my blog because you are a nazi)
3Tbsp. Cinnamon
2 Tbsp. Ground cloves
1 Tbsp. Nutmeg
2 Cups of Bourbon (Really make sure you use a decent bourbon. No matter how awesome the base cider is you're going to ruin it if you stick Heaven Hill in it.)

Pour cider & orange juice into big pot, over medium/high heat. Bring it to a boil. I mean it. It needs to be doing some serious boiling. Ask a friend to confirm it is boiling because if it is not, you will screw everything up.

If you've gotten confirmation that you're boiling, turn heat down to low. If not, stop being so impatient, pick up a magazine and wait for it to boil.

Add cloves, nutmeg & cinnamon. Say "mmm this smells good".

Simmer for 10 or so minutes. Add bourbon. Drink.

Now, technically the recipe is over, but keep listening because you still have a couple of options. If you're anti-alcohol and / or serving this at an all ages gathering you can completely forgo the bourbon and replace it with 1/4 cup brown sugar. It will still taste fantamanastic. I promise. This is the way I make it every thanksgiving and everyone thinks it rocks face. Just be sure you don't add the sugar until it's boiling and let it boil for a few minutes after you add the sugar to make sure the sugar dissolves up.

On the other hand, if you're a freak of nature and just don't like bourbon but still want your apple cider to be an adult beverage, listen up. Kat's orginal recipe called for dark rum. This totally works too. It's not as good, but maybe it is to people who don't like bourbon, who knows.

Have fun, whatever you put in it.

*These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.
**Some of you may have noticed that my name is not Kat. Good Job. You win. Seriously, you guessed it, this isn't my recipe. It originates from my most besterest friend in the world, Kat, and there's been very minimal tweaking by me. So if you ever see her, tell her she rocks.

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Creole Scallops with Fried Pineapple Basmati Rice

So yesterday I was wondering through the grocery store aimlessly. I do that sometimes. You can see some pretty interesting stuff that way. For example, you might stumble upon two chicks making out in the frozen food aisle or you might find something as totally awesome as this. At any rate it can be entertaining and it's what I was doing when I stumbled upon, not lesbians suddenly sent into the throes of ecstasy by Pillsbury Toaster Strudels but something much bigger, much better. Something like.... wait for it.... keep waiting... something like fresh, cheap!, beautiferous..... COLOSSAL SCALLOPS!

This was an epic find because as some of you may already be aware, scallops are the prime minister of all seafood. Scallops are to seafood as the Great Pumpkin is to Halloween. Scallops are to seafood as Snoop Dogg is to rap. Scallops are to seafood as the Tanooki is to power ups. Scallops are to seafood as... yeah ok, you get the idea... unless you wanna practice for the SATs and then I can keep 'em coming. You just let me know.

Needless to say I was stoked about having some big ol ginormous scallops in my mouth. My first thought upon finding them was that I should *cue sultry music* deep fry those suckahs until they were a crisp, succulent golden brown, dip them in a tart little red cocktail sauce and cradle them in a warm bed of french fries. But then I remembered I was trying to lose some weight. So I started wracking my brain for inspiration. And I thought of the delicious Thai Food (a.k.a. the prime minister of ethnic food) I had had for lunch. And ba-da-ba-bing, just like good old House always does, I made a connection. Thus, I bring you....

Creole Scallops with Fried Pineapple Basmati Rice


1lb. Sea Scallops (it's important to make sure you get sea scallops. They're the big ones. Bay scallops look like mini marshmallows and they won't be as good in this)
2 Tbsp. flour
2 tsp. creole seasoning (if you want them hotter you can rock cajun seasoning instead)
1 Tbsp. oil (I like to use red chili oil. I'm sure regular ol' vegetable oil would work fine)
2 1/2ish cups cooked basmati rice
1 overflowing cup diced pineapple
1 Tbsp. chopped cilantro

Rinse off scallops to get the pungent seafood smell off of them. Pat dry.

Grab a ziploc bag and dump flour and creole seasoning in it. Toss the scallops around (2 or 3 at a time) in this floury bag. Pull them out and closely inspect to make sure they are good and coated. If they are, repeat process with the rest of your scallops.

When your scallops are all sufficiently coated in flour and spices, heat up some oil in a skillet. Add the scallops and cook over medium heat for about 10 minutes. Make sure you turn them regularly so that they get brown on both sides. You don't want a biracial scallop, after all.

When the scallops are done, remove them from the skillet and set them somewhere warm (suggestions include: on a plate in a 175 degree oven, on a plate on a nearby burner, the tanning bed in your basement, the middle of the Sahara). Now, add rice and pineapple to the skillet. You may find it necessary to add some more oil or a little water to keep your rice from burning the h#!! up. If so, go ahead and do that. Stir this around for a while, making sure to scrape up and incorporate any good yummy brown bits that are stuck to the bottom of the skillet. When rice seems thoroughly warm, scoop it into a bowl, top it with a few scallops, then sprinkle with cilantro. And tada! Fin!

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Takin' it Back to the Old School: Chicken and Dumplings

First off, apologies to my loyal cornstarchers (apparently there are some of you, even if you never comment or subscribe) for the brief hiatus. As it turns out your favourite cornstarch obsessed chef passed the bar and has been in a bit of a tizzy leading up to and since doing so. Now, on to today's edition of our biweekly feature, Takin' it Back to the Old School. Today we feature one of the very first foods any decent southern / Kentucky gal learns to make - Chicken and Dumplings.

Once upon a time I was a wee young lass enjoying my first meal at Cracker Barrel. There, I quickly learned that dumplings were akin to mana from heaven. However, my mother quickly explained to me that Cracker Barrel dumplings were not, in fact, mana from heaven. On the contrary, she explained, they were kinda slick, flat and lackluster. Real mana from heaven, said Momma, didn't come from the Cracker Barrel; it came only in the form of fluffy, puffy, home cooked, made from scratch, Mamaw style dumplings. Sadly, Momma confessed, she did not know how to conjure this particular form of heavenly mana. Thus I took up the task of learning the fine art of puffy, fluffy, dumpling shaped mana conjuring.

My first attempt resulted in biscuits floating in broth. My second attempt yeilded something closely resembling Cracker Barrel dumplings. I went with this for a long while because I couldn't manage to conjure anything better and it still made me feel accomplished and like a real deal southern woman that I could make Cracker Barrel style dumplings. But then, one day, I decied to revamp and try again. The rest, as they say, is history. Bells rang, glitter flowed through the kitchen, a chorus of angels appeared at the dining room table. I had done it. I had made a gianormus, nomalicious pot of perfect, fluffy, yumtastic dumplings. And because I am a charitable person, I shall now share with you the secret to conjuring fluffy, nomtastic, fabalicious, dumpling-shaped mana from heaven.

Old School Chicken and Dumplings; or Fluffy, Carby, Mana from Heaven

1 chicken (or assorted pieces of chicken, e.g. 5-6 chicken breasts)
1 stock pot full of water
3 normal sized cans of chicken broth
1 family sized can of cream of chicken soup
6 cups of white flour
3 Tbsp. baking powder
1 Tbsp. salt
12 tbsp. soft margarine or butter (i.e. 1.5 sticks)
3 cups of milk (or more)

First, put the chicken in the stock pot. Cover with water. Boil for a long time. Like 2 hours. Or longer. Whatever. It doesn't really matter, as long as the chicken isn't raw anymore. And it can even be raw if you like Salmonella poisoning.

Now, remove the chicken from the pot. Use a fork to pull all the meat off the chicken bones. Put meat back into the pot of greasy water. Put bones in a ziploc to save for use in a voodoo ritual. Dump the broth and cream of chicken soup into the pot of chicken and greasy water. Return the pot to the stove and put it on simmer.

While that does its thang, dump flour, baking powder and salt into a BF bowl. Cut butter into little bits. Add to the floury mess in the bowl. Use a knife or fork to cut the butter into the floury mess. This takes a long time and is tedious, but you can do it. I have faith in you. And only if you do will you get to experience the chiming bells, glitter rain and chorus of angels. So really, buckle down and do it. And then, when you think you're done, wash your hands, dry them off, stick them in the flour mess and feel around to make sure there are no big clumps of butter. If there aren't feel free to reward yourself by booking a massage, spa day or the services of a professional escort before moving on to the next step. If there are, call yourself a slacker and get back to work.

Once you're clump free add in the milk. Use your hands to glop the flour and milk together until it looks like a dough ball. If it's crumbly add more milk. If its too gooey and has the texture of mucous, add more flour. If it's just right, pick up your doughball and approach your stockpot. Start pinching off little narbles of dough. Drop them in the stockpot.

Don't wig out about what size of narble to pinch off. There is no perfect dough narble size, it all depends on how big you want your dumplings. I probably would not recommend baseball sized dumplings, nor m&m sized dumplings, but really it's all in what floats your boat.

Once you've dropped all the dough in the pot, poke it with a spoon a bit to make sure all the doughy bits are at least wet with broth. Cover, simmer for about a half hour. In about a half hour you should see the chorus of angels and glitter rain. But even if you don't your dumplings are still probably done, so take them off the stove, ladle them into bowls and serve to family and friends. Sit back and enjoy all the awesome compliments you get.

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Booty Kickin' Four Pepper Buffalo Chili

I've mentioned over and over how I'm willing fall to come. A couple of weeks ago I bought some ground buffalo and tucked it away in my fridge, waiting for that first real day of fall. Why? Because for me, it's not really fall until you eat chili. Preferably until you eat chili on the back porch with a beer while wearing an oversized Stanford hoodie. And you can't really eat chili until it is cool and fall-y (or maybe that's just me. I might be neurotic).

Luckily, today that day finally came. This was lucky for many reasons. For one, I got to use my buffalo before it went off. For two, J was driving me nuts about when we could finally have buffalo chili again. For three, fall makes life happy, so when the first real fall day comes, this is lucky for everyone. (Someone should put that last one in a fortune cookie, that was profound). So to celebrate this, the most fabulous day of the year, the day when we can finally pull out our long sleeve shirts, the day when we can drink cider again without being a lush, the day when we can put the scarecrow out on the front stoop, the day when the psycho neighbor begins scheming on how to decapitate and disembowl aforementioned scarecrow on stoop (um, er, I think that bit only applies to people in my neighborhood), I've crafted and created my world famous* buffalo chili. Now, I'm here to share it with you, so that you may live. Because really, you can't have fall if you don't have it. And if you don't have fall then time goes on without you and you'll probably get eaten by the Langoliers. No one wants that. Well maybe we do, depending on who you are.

Booty Kickin' Four Pepper Buffalo Chili


1-2 lbs ground buffalo meat
1/2 medium onion, chopped
1 red bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 green bell pepper, seeded and chopped
1 Poblano pepper, seeded and chopped
1 jalapeño or serrano pepper, seeded and chopped (the serrano is much more hardcore spicy, so rock that out if you want it super spicy)
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/4 tsp ground cumin
1/2 tsp dried oregano
1/4 tsp ground coriander
1 TB chile powder
1 can mexican diced tomatoes
1 can crushed tomatoes
2/3 cup low sodium beef broth
1/2 TB brown sugar
2 TB of adobo sauce from a can of chipotles in adobo
1 chipolte
1 bay leaf
1 can spicy pinto beans, drained and rinsed
1 can red kidney beans, drained and rinsed
1 can black beans, drained and rinsed
sea salt, to taste
ground pepper, to taste

In a pot with a lid (big enough to hold all your chili goodness) brown the bufflo, breaking large chunks into smaller ones. (You may find it necessary to add some oil when browning the buffalo, even though this normally makes things greasy and gross, in order to keep that pesky smoke detector at bay, as buffalo is extremely lean and has a tendency to smoke. I like to use about a tablespoon of chili flavored sunflower oil but you could always do it old school with a good glug of canola.) When thoroughly brown and thus all e-coli risk is removed, remove the buffalo from pot, and drain off the excess fat, so it doesn't wind up on your bootay.

Chop up your onions, bell pepper, jalepeno or serrano and poblano pepper. Be sure and remove the seeds of the jalepeño or serrano, unless you want it to really be booty kickin'. Wash your hands. Don't touch your contact lenses in the mean time... not that I can say that from experience or anything.

Now, bring yo' pot back to medium heat, throw in the onions and peppers and cook over medium heat for about 10 minutes. While the peppers cook, dance around your kitchen with some maracas in hand saying, "Arriba," "Te Queiro" and "No soy el baño," stopping occasionally to scrape the pan from time to time to get any stuck bits of browned meat mixed in with the vegetables. Add garlic, cook for another minute and then add cumin, oregano, coriander and salt and pepper to taste. Let spices cook a minute or so.

Dump the cooked meat back in the pot. Stir in the tomatoes and beef broth, brown sugar adobo sauce, chipotle and bay leaf. Raise heat and bring to a boil. Once boiling, ladle up a big spoon of the chili goodness, taste sauce and adjust salt, pepper and hotness to taste. Lower heat to a slow simmer, cover with a lid and cook for at least 30 minutes. Add beans, continue simmering, covered, for another 10 minutes or until beans are warmed through.

Serve in bowls and garnish with chopped cilantro and sour cream to be festive.

*These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.

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Olé! Chicken Tacos with Spicy Grape Salsa

I love me some Mexican food. It's second only to Thai food in my book. Unfortunately even when you're obsessed with Mexican food there are only so many times you can eat soft tacos before a tortilla with chicken, tomatoes, onions and cheese gets a little dull.

The remedy? Do something totally insane with 'em. And that's what I did. The result? Spicy, sweet, savory beauties in corn tortillas. And the best part? It's super duper mega easy.... and there's enough salsa left for you to nom it with chips for days. So what are you waiting for? Get in the kitchen and make some....

Chicken Tacos with Spicy Grape Salsa*

3 cups(ish) seedless red grapes
1/2 sweet onion
1 jalapeño pepper (seeded)
1/2 cup cilantro
3/4 of one of those plastic limes full of lime juice
2 normal sized chicken breasts
Taco or Fajita seasoning
1 - 2 Tbsp. Oil (I use red chili pepper oil, you can use olive or canola if you don't wanna by the chili pepper oil)
1 clove garlic (chopped)
1 pkg. of taco shells or corn tortillas

Dump oil into a frying pan. Sprinkle taco / fajita seasoning on chicken breasts. Add chicken and garlic to pan. Get one of your minions to oversee the sautéing so that the chicken doesn't burn and stick to the pan.

While your minion sautés the chicken, put the grapes, onion, jalapeño, cilantro and lime juice in a food processor. Process it up. When it looks like salsa, it's done. Stop processing. Unless you want spicy grape juice instead of spicy grape salsa.

Dump 1/4 cup of it into the frying pan with the chicken. Saute for another 5 minutes. At this point grab a fork and a spatula and shred the chicken.

Once you've done this you're ready to build a taco. Pick up a taco shell or tortilla. Put chicken in it. Put some salsa on top of that. Top with some loverly grapes cut into quarters. Ta da!

*For best results cook while wearing a sombrero. Failure to wear a sombrero could result in fail-tacos. Nobody wants that.

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Takin' it Back to the Old School: Chicken and Broccoli Fettucine with Basil Cream Sauce

Welcome to Takin' it Back to the Old School, the newest (and only) feature section here in the land of corn starch. On this biweekly feature I will feature the recipes that have always been there. Stuff I've been making since I started cooking when I was 12. Old school stuff, if you will.

When I first starting cooking, all I would make is Italian and Italian inspired food. This is probably because I thought you couldn't really foul up pasta. A later encounter with a terrible oregano obsessed boyfriend of my almost sister would teach me otherwise, but I digress. The point is I made a lot of pasta when I was growing up and learning to love to cook. And I got damn good at it. And I developed a few signature dishes that everyone seemed to ask for over the years.

Today's Takin' it Back to the Old School feature is one such dish. It was one of the first dishes I came up with when I started branching out from Ye Olde Standard Spaghetti and Meat Sauce. My momma loved it and thus I was inspired. I ran with it. And I've spent the last 13 years recreating it, tweaking it here and there and eating it and the compliments it gets me up with a spoon. So, without further ado, I present to you...

Chicken and Broccoli Fettucine with Basil Cream Sauce

12 oz. pasta
2 normal sized chicken breasts (chunked)
1 pkg. frozen broccoli
Olive oil and/or butter as needed
Pinch of hot pepper flakes
Salt and pepper to taste
4 cloves garlic, chopped
1 14.5 oz. can chicken broth
1 cup light cream
3/4 cup Parmesan cheese
1 medium to large batch of basil

Boil some water. When it boils throw the pasta in.

Meanwhile, back at the hall of justice, heat the oil and/or butter in pan with the hot pepper and chicken. Cook about 5 minutes. Add the garlic and broccoli. Cook for about 5 more minutes. Add the chicken broth and bring it to a boil. Add the cream and parmesean cheese. Reduce the heat all the way down as low as your stove will go. Seriously. If you overcook light cream you will destroy your sauce and ruin the lives of children and puppies every where. So turn that sauce down. Dowwwwwwwn. Now.

While that simmers cut the basil en chiffonade. This is a fancy word that means cut the basil into teensy little strips. The best way to do this is to stack several basil leaves, roll them up and cut them. After it's all cut up, add the basil, along with some salt and pepper into the sauce. If your sauce seems thin add some (about 1 Tbsp.) cornstarch. Add pasta, stir it all around. Serve it up. Garnish with some more Parmesan cheese and basil strips. Eat.

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Spaghetti with Cheese Stuffed Bacon-Beef Meatballs... or Magic Gris Gris to get into the Pants of that guy You've been Crushing On™

I have to tell you, my hubby loves anything with bacon in it. He would probably eat bacon tirimisu and say it was the best thing ever invented by man or nature. So when I saw something on food network about meatballs made with bacon and stuffed with cheese, I decided it was time to repay him for taking such good care of me while I was a sickeyface. I therefore had to recreate these bacon beef balls of wonder. And because man cannot live on beefy balls alone, I had to pair them with spaghetti and three cheese marinara sauce. Put this cheesy, meaty, bacony, make you sick if you eat very much of it masterpiece together with a frosty beer and dudes are in heaven. They love you forever.

So for those of you with a hubby to thank, a male boss that won't come up off a raise, or a hot dude you've been eyeing and a certain itch that needs scratching, I suggest you try...

Spaghetti with Cheese Stuffed Bacon-Beef Meatballs... or Magic Gris Gris to get into the Pants of that guy You've been Crushing On™

• 8 to 10 slices applewood smoked bacon
• 1 pound ground beef (for optimum results don't use the healthy stuff that us chicks like. Dudes can sense that sort of thing and you won't score.)
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
• 1 package onion soup mix
• 1/2 cup italian season bread crumbs
• 1 tablespoon coarse black pepper
• 2 1/2 tablespoons beef stock
• 8 to 10 mozzarella balls marinated in olive oil and italian seasonings

Preheat yo' oven to 400 degrees.
Arrange the bacon slices on a sheet pan or handy dandy bacon microwaver. Put in the oven or microwave and cook until crisp, about 8 to 10 minutes. Remove the bacon from the pan to a cutting board and chop it up.

Get a bowl and mix together the beef, Worcestershire, onion soup mix, bread crumbs, black pepper, stock and the chopped bacon. Don't mix it too much or you'll get e. coli under your nails.
Grab a mozzerella ball and a wad of meat. Make a little nest in your palm with the meat and set the ball in it like an egg. Then carefully mold the beef up around the ball. The mozzerella should be totally enclosed in the meat and the whole meatball should be just bigger than a golf ball. Repeat process until you run out of meat or cheese.
At this point put two pots on the stove. Fill one with some sort of yummy marinara sauce and simmer it over medium heat. Fill the other with water and bring it to a boil. When the water starts boiling put spaghetti in it. At the same time put meatballs in the oven on a cookie sheet on the middle rack. Let both of those things go for about 12-15 minutes.
Drain the spaghetti, take the meatballs out of the oven. Put the spaghetti in a bowl. Put a dollop of butter on it for good measure. Ladle marinara sauce over. Pile some meatballs on top of that. Ladle some more marinara sauce on top. Sprinkle with parmesean cheese. Serve with prosecco to be classy or a big frothy beer if you're hoping to make your target dude happy.

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Badger badger badger mushroom sooooup

I told you I had been willing it to be fall. And nothing says fall like warm, creamy mushroom soup to me.... well except maybe pumpkin pie and apple cider and buffalo chili, but whatever. I was in the mood for mushrooms. Partly because I've been craving them ever since I came back from Italy where I ate mushroom pizza every day and partly because, like I said they seem like fall and I'm willing it to be fall. Circular logic? Probably. I don't care.

Anyway since opening a can of soup is for losers, I decided to create a mushroomy masterpiece. I thought criminis and rice. And then I thought butter and white wine (what can I say, I'm an attorney) and I was inspired. I began creating and as I started cooking I couldn't help but be reminded of an addictively annoying little jingle. Thus I dubbed my masterpiece....
Badger badger badger mushroom sooooup

• 1 pound crimini mushrooms, cleaned and chopped
  
• 1 Tbsp lemon juice
• 1 Tbsp unsalted butter
• 1/4 cup white wine
• 1 Tbsp chopped fresh thyme
  
• 1/2 bay leaf
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon fresh ground pepper
• 2 cups heavy cream
• 1 1/2 cups vegetable broth
  
• 1 teaspoon cornstarch dissolved in 1 Tbsp water
• 1/2 cup wild rice
• 1/2 cup brown rice

Cook rice like normal - stick it in the rice cooker, put it on the stove, whatever you do. Meanwhile, coarsely chop mushrooms and lemon juice in the food processor. Pause to sing badger, badger for a while. You can play the youtube video instead if your singing voice is no good.

Melt butter in a soup pot, add white wine and sauté mushrooms, thyme and bay leaf for 10-15 minutes, or until the mushrooms no longer seep juice. Add salt, pepper, cream and broth and bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer for 20 minutes. During this time dance around the kitchen and sing, "Ooooh, it's a snaaaaake!"

When you're done with that add cornstarch! and simmer for 10 more minutes, stirring and singing badger badger badger constantly. I mean it. If you don't sing while you stir this soup will fail. It'll probably even cause your house to catch on fire.... with you in it.

Dump the cooked rice in and let it simmer for another 5 or so minutes.

Pour soup into bowls. Garnish with parsley, fresh ground pepper, nothing or as J suggests, french fried onions. Om nom nom.

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Chicken Noodle Soup of Major Healing Power

Swine flu up in this beyotch.

As it turns out your lovely blog-host and favourite redhead is sick as a porcupine on methamphetamine. Yep. I even had to spend part of my labor day weekend in the swine flu quarantine ward of the hospital. Awesome.

Apparently when you have coughs, a throat full of stinging nettle, aches so bad your hair hurts and a skull so full of yuck that it feels like its gonna crack, coupled with a temp of 104, people freak out, send you to the hospital, and you get quarantined in the swine flu ward. Now, being quarantined I can deal with.... if it weren't coupled with feeling like I'd been run over by a truck and being subjected to an iCarly marathon on the only channel the tv in my room got. As I lay there, suffering, writhing in misery induced by fever and teenybopper tv all I could think is that if I could only get away and eat some of my "Chicken Noodle Soup of Major Healing Power" this could all be over.

It's true. My Chicken Noodle Soup is fantastic. Best tasting chicken soup ever. And it fixes everything. Seriously, it's probably even the cure for HIV. You can patent it if you want. I don't mind. I'm just that nice. Erm, uh, at any rate, I figure what better than to share with you on this lovely sick day than the recipe for my famous.....

Chicken Noodle Soup of Major Healing Power

• 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 medium onion, chopped
• 3 garlic cloves, minced
• 2 medium carrots, cut diagonally into 1/2-inch-thick slices
• 2 celery ribs, halved lengthwise, and cut into 1/2-inch-thick slices
• 4 fresh thyme sprigs
• 1 bay leaf
• 2 quarts chicken stock
• 1 bouillion cube (preferably chicken and garlic)
• 8 ounces dried wide egg noodles
• 1 1/2 cups diced cooked chicken
• Sea Salt
• Black Pepper

Get a big ol' soup pot and put it on medium heat. Drizzle the olive oil in the bottom and add the onion, garlic, carrots, celery, thyme and bay leaf. Cook and stir for about 6 minutes, until the vegetables are softened but not browned. If it's a super chicken soup emergency and you need to move faster skip this step, place the veggies in a tupperware, squirt with buttery spray and a splash of water, cover with cling wrap and microwave 2 minutes.

Pour in the chicken stock, toss in the bouillon cube, and bring the liquid to a boil. Add the chicken and let it simmer together. About 6 or 8 minutes before it's time to eat add the noodles. When the noodles are good and floppy like a noodle shoud be, season with salt and pepper, dump into a bowl and let the healing begin.

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Bourbon Pecan Apple Pie

In recent weeks I've been unemployed... just waiting on my bar results to come in. I've also, recently been willing it to become fall. And I've been craving a good pie. What's a girl to do when she's got time on her hands and craves fall and pie? Turn the air conditioning down real low, light a candy corn scented candle and bake something fallish.

But what to make? Apple pie of course. But not just any apple pie. Nay, I had festive bourbon and needed to use it. Suggestions were made that I drink the bourbon and make ye olde standard apple pie. But I had different ideas.... I decided it was time to combine three of my favourite things into one. *Cue Spice Girls music, Two Three become One.*

Bourbon-Pecan Apple Pie

For Crust

• 3/4 cups granulated sugar
• 2/3 cup firmly packed brown sugar
• 1/4 cup butter
• 1/4 cup milk
• 1 tablespoon corn syrup
• 1/4 cup bourbon
• 2 1/2 cups toasted pecan halves
• 1 cup coconut
• 1 cup dates
• 1 pinch cinnamon
• 2 tablespoons almond butter

Stir together first 6 ingredients in a saucepan. Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring constantly. Boil... keep stirring... seriously, you can't stop stirring for until your candy thermometer registers 234° or the world will end. And it will be your fault. So stir, minion, stir.

Remove from heat, and vigorously stir in pecans. Getting pretty good at that stirring by now, huh? Spoon pecan goop onto wax paper. Let stand 20 minutes or until firm. Break praline-coated pecans apart into pieces.

Now... if you feel like cheating you can skip this first part and the first 7 ingredients if you can find ready made bourbon pecan pralines. They're pretty prevalent in the South and you can find them in most candy shops and bulk nut dealers.

Once the pralines have cooled and hardened a bit... or you've procured your store bought pralines smash them all to hell. Really, get a food chopper or rolling pin and smash those suckers to bits. Measure out two cups of the smashed up praline wads and dump them in a bowl.

Add the coconut, cinnamon and almond butter. Run the dates through a food processor so they get all chopped up and gooey. Add them to the bowl. Mix it all together and press into a 9 inch pie pan.

For Filling

• About six apples
• 1 cup dates
• 2 tsp cinnamon and 1 tsp cinnamon, divided
• 1 tsp nutmeg
• 1 1/2 tablespoons butter
• 1 tablespoon almond butter
• 2 tablespoons maple syrup
• bourbon, commensurate with level of alcoholism
• 1 tsp white granulated sugar

Peel, slice and core three of the apples. Puree them, the dates, nutmeg, 2 tsp of the cinnamon, butter and bourbon together until ooey-gooey. Leave it in the blender / food processor for a while and instruct it to wait.

Slice and core the remaining three apples. Pile the majority of these apples up on the crust. Top with the ooey-gooey. Add a few slices of apples on top of that.

Now, mix together almond butter, maple syrup and a bit more bourbon. Dump this into a ziploc bag and cut a small hole in the corner. Use the holey ziploc bag to drizzle this mixture over the pie. Sprinkle with the remaining tsp of cinnamon and white sugar.

Bake for about 15 minutes. Reduce temperature to 300 and bake another 30 - 35 minutes. Remove from oven. Observe the beautifulness...

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